Secrets of Sylvia

There's been more drama at work. A girl is quitting, and while she first agreed to stay until the company found a replacement for her, she got tired of the uncertainty of everything (it helps to have a date when you'll be flying across the globe to get back home) and the boss' constant, "I can't give a date." There's plenty of applicants, but boss lady wants to find that "perfect fit" for the company...which is understandable.

I get both sides of the story, but neither really knows--if you tell me "this stays between us", it stays between us. I don't want to spread gossip--and sometimes you just need a good vent and you really don't mean everything you're saying at the time. I understand that, so I don't go around, "She said this..." and blablabla.

Both aren't totally honest about what's happening. Both are at fault to some degree.

Anyhow, boss lady was totally stressed and I felt bad for her, so I agreed to stay longer (though I'm supposed to be released from contract early) if a replacement for the other girl isn't found before she bails out (she done bought a ticket home and gave a final date).

So my life is in total limbo right now. Will I be staying longer? Will I be going home? Will I have enough time to buy tickets without having to pay outrageous prices?

Then there's the whole fact that if I stay, I'll be moving to another city to fill in for this other girl. So...within two months, I could be making two major moves.

But I haven't been complaining about this, because I really don't want the company to fail (no matter how stressed I get about it) and I want everything to end on a good note.

But everyone else is digging up all this drama!

Seriously, people. Can't we all just act like civilized, grown-ups for a few months until all this clears up?

Oh, and I've been trying to get on my husband to do something about his degree (the one my employer lost). He inquired to the school about getting another one, with no success. They can only issue a duplicate, which will say, "Duplicate" right on it.

On Thursday, he'll be bringing this up to boss lady to see if she'll call immigration to make sure it's not there still or something. I mean, it's a long shot, but who knows?

I haven't posted in a long time...not that I didn't want to post anything, or that I didn't have anything to vent about, but mostly things I want to write about get tiresome for readers, I'm sure, because I just want to complain. So, sorry about that.

In case you haven't noticed, I have a lot of issues with the company I work for. Particularly, one of the bosses I work for. I have this love/hate thing for her. I sympathize with her when things are piling up on her, but I want to scream at the top of my lungs when I see how manipulative she is. The thing is, we're a lot alike...and there's so many things that I see in her that I don't like about myself. But these things that I realize are limiting and tend to hurt people in the long run, she tends to view as virtues in her.

I know, I'm vague, which is confusing, but perhaps you can get an idea of how strange and confusing this situation for me is. Anyhow, this definitely isn't a healthy relationship, so it's time for me to move on with my life.

So I'll be returning to America as soon as Boss Lady finds a replacement for me.

So now what? What am I going to do with my life? I really don't know.

To tell the truth, it's exciting--I mean I could take so many different paths from here. At the same time, I'm terribly frightened.

Mostly, I'm frightened I won't ever really do anything with my life. I'll settle for something because I'm too scared to take the risk on something I'm passionate about.

But first, the wait. I wish I at least knew when I was leaving so I could look into buying plane tickets. This whole "stay until we find a replacement" is turning out to be more stress than I thought it would be.

My husband is a gamer. Those of you with husbands or boyfriends that do gaming probably know that at times, it can be frustrating. At first, it wasn't so bad. I mean, he played his Sony now and then, but not obsessively. I enjoy a game now and then, and having a hobby isn't a bad thing.

But then we got married. Not long afterwards, my husband decided to obsess over gaming. Which means, I was a newly wed who went to bed alone most nights. I'm not one to argue, so I pushed it off as a temporary thing.

I never told anyone this, but I began to wonder if this marriage was a mistake. I love him, still, but I couldn't help but wonder if it's worth the stress of running the house on my own and feeling completely alone each night, even though I was living with another person.

Eventually, we moved to another country. We both wanted to give it a try for a while and thought it an amazing opportunity.

We made dinner together, and explored this small city together. It was a nice. I felt close to him.

But now, it's started again. My husband has become obsessive with his computer. I've hinted that perhaps he was spending too much time on the computer and needed another hobby to sort of balance things out.

His new hobby? Writing.

At first, I thought this was cool--but then I realized, he was writing for a character for an online game. And now, that too, has become an obsession. All his breaks and nights are spent working on it.

I'm left to make sure the house gets clean, the groceries get bought, the budget gets done, etc. I have to assign him chores like a child in order for me to get a little time on my breaks where I'm not working on household chores.

My birthday last year: it was my long day (I work 8:30am-9:30 pm). My husband surprised me with a stuffed toy that morning to brighten my day. That was really nice. Throughout the busy day, I kept thinking how nice it would be to spend the little time I had that night with him. Not a chance. I ate some brownie and had some wine to celebrate on my own, while he played on the computer. I patiently waited for him to finish what he was doing before I eventually gave up and went to bed alone.

The other night we had a sort of "date" night. We went out for dinner, and I even got all dressed up. We went home and watched a movie. Then, he played on the computer and I went to bed alone. Apparently our dinner and movie was enough to make up for months of being ignored by him.

Now, I'm bitter all the time. Seriously, I thought we were a special couple--I thought we had a special connection. Now, I feel tricked.

I try not to think about it, because, don't get me wrong, I dearly love my husband, but I wonder if I would have been better off alone. At least, then, I wouldn't be so bitter about the fact.

It's a New Year, and I completely forgot about New Year's Resolutions. Not that I make them every year like some sort of ritual, but it usually crosses my mind, at least. Plus, it's an interesting topic to bring up in conversation classes.

But this year, I completely forgot about it. It didn't even cross my mind. Maybe it was that vacation I took? I went someplace warmer. There was lots of rain, but at least it was warmer. I didn't have to wear three layers of clothing to go out. Just jeans, a light shirt, and a light jacket. Could have used some better shoes--ones that don't leave my socks soaking wet at the end of the day. I broke down and bought a pair of flip flops, which just kept sticking to the wet ground, causing me to lose them with each step. Sort of embarrassing in the cross walks.

I did a lot of walking over break (had to--public transportation was lacking). The exercise was very nice. It made me feel good at the end of the day. It reminded me of college days when I'd walk everywhere because driving a car meant finding a parking space, which was pretty close to impossible.

So with the New Year, where am I mentally? Saying I was down for a while is a drastic understatement. Now I'm sort of in between. I have good days and I have bad days. It's hard not having anyone here I can really relate to. And it's really hard that one of the people I know is someone I really dislike and have grown to distrust. After how awful I was made to feel, I find myself regretting every minute with that person.

But the other night, something strange happened. We had a conversation where I almost felt like I was her friend. I almost felt mentally safe around her again. I keep telling myself to keep my distance, though. Whenever I get too close, I eventually feel betrayed.

On the up side, I suddenly have a ton of family members jumping onto Facebook. With the drastically different time zones, this makes it easier to keep in touch and get those little funny comments I miss hearing from my family. So, I feel at least somewhat more connected with home now. I've been trying to sign into Facebook at least once a day now (even if it's just for a few minutes). I won't let myself become addicted, though. With some people, it's way out of hand.

While on vacation, I was able to visit a big bookstore with a ton of books...in English! I stocked up on some, so I am relieved to have some good reading to last a while. Now, if I can only get myself back writing on a regular basis again. I was doing so good until that breakdown I had...

I wrote this during my lunch time, yesterday. I've had some positive energy come my way and I've been battling the negative. I don't feel recovered, but somehow I feel stronger, and after I had written this out, I had a feeling of empowerment come over me.

• sipping chai tea while watching the rain on the window
• the warmth and aroma from a day of baking
• laughing with a friend
• cooking with my husband
• a warm bath on a cold day
• the view of the mountains
• wandering in nature
• finishing something I know is good
• playing with children
• hearing my footsteps on a bare stage
• completing a story or poem I know is excellent
• the eyes of a child when making a discovery
• feeling a part of a team
• smiling at a stranger
• a witty movie or book
• spending an entire afternoon reading
• rearranging the furniture
• waking up early and knowing it's a brand new day

I am a fully capable and creative woman. I will achieve my dreams and be happy. Those who see me as a failure or disappointment expect too much, which is not my fault. I won't worry about failing others. They no longer have any power over who I am. If you can't accept me for who I am and my limitations as a human being, then that is a problem within yourself--not with me.

So my boss told me if I stay with the company I need to bring it up a notch and that she thought I would have been more innovative and had more ideas.

Before that, I had been left a note about something she had done and that she wished I would have thought of earlier because it would have helped her keep track of things.

Yeah, I got it. I'm a big disappointment, you don't like my work, and apparently I don't think up things I should.

At first this depressed me. Who am I kidding? It still depresses me and makes me feel sick when I think about it, but now, it also makes me angry.

I mean, this is a person that for some reason I keep turning to for advice, and she's always more than happy to give it. So, she knows I've been really down and on the edge. Yet, she finds it worthwhile to comment to me that I'm a disappointment? As if I don't have enough things right now making me feel sick, I have to worry about how I'm letting down the company?

And I haven't been slacking off, I just want to say. I do my job, and do work hard. She might be disappointed that I don't volunteer to work off the clock (which I sometimes do, anyway, but she doesn't really know about), but I feel that my off time is my off time.

So, I've been offered a way out, as long as I give them time to replace me (still means several months here). In the meantime, I'm reminded that I'm a disappointment.

Guess who no longer feels a part of this company? I mean, I'd bring it up a notch, if I felt capable, but I feel like I'm working my butt off and nothing is showing for it. So why do I want to work for someone who isn't satisfied with me?

This is who I am. I can't change the ideas I do/don't come up with.

I feel betrayed. I guess nobody here ever saw me as a good worker. I guess I was never considered part of the team. I feel like it's been some sort of joke going on behind my back. I guess it's time to move on...

I don't have much time before I'm no longer alone, so this post must be quick.

I haven't updated in a while, mostly because I've been sick. I came down with some terrible cold, but lately I seem to be bouncing back.

I've also been depressed...like, seriously depressed. I go through episodes like this every so often and it's terrible. I try talking to people about it, but I can't really get it out. I honestly think I need professional help with this, but as things stand, I don't know how to go about to get that help. I don't really speak the language well here, which in itself, poses a problem.

So, I'm depressed and feel terribly alone. It's nice, at least, to have this blog in which I can get it out in the open, as I'm not sure what else to do about it. When I return to the States, I'll get help for it to make it manageable, as I do have suicidal thoughts, which, when I snap back to myself again, is scary. I don't want to live my life with this anxiety and horribly dark feelings.

This sort of thing runs on both sides of my family, so it is possible that it's something biological that's going on. I've always had these problems to the extreme since around high school. I get in this fog where I'm not myself. When I'm back to myself, I realize that something I may have done in that state of mind was totally dumb and am embarrassed about it (I'm usually not that type of person, you know?). Sometimes, I have blanks in my memory and I don't even know what I did for the past so many hours (like I'm on autopilot or something). In the past, I always thought that I was stronger than others in my family, though, and I didn't really need to get help for it. I thought I could think myself out of it.

It doesn't work like that, though. When you're in a state of mind where you feel as if you're just watching yourself from afar and everything is just so foggy you can't make out what it is you're doing, then there's really no controlling your thoughts, either.

I realize this isn't healthy, so I know I need to seek help. Unfortunately, I'm eight months away from returning back to the States, and I really don't feel like there's many options where I stand now. Living like this for eight months seems totally overwhelming at this point.

It helps to be able to at least blog about it, though. As I've said before, it helps to be have some sort of release where I can be completely open without the fear of people judging me. So anyone out there reading, thanks.

~Sylvie