Secrets of Sylvia

So my boss told me if I stay with the company I need to bring it up a notch and that she thought I would have been more innovative and had more ideas.

Before that, I had been left a note about something she had done and that she wished I would have thought of earlier because it would have helped her keep track of things.

Yeah, I got it. I'm a big disappointment, you don't like my work, and apparently I don't think up things I should.

At first this depressed me. Who am I kidding? It still depresses me and makes me feel sick when I think about it, but now, it also makes me angry.

I mean, this is a person that for some reason I keep turning to for advice, and she's always more than happy to give it. So, she knows I've been really down and on the edge. Yet, she finds it worthwhile to comment to me that I'm a disappointment? As if I don't have enough things right now making me feel sick, I have to worry about how I'm letting down the company?

And I haven't been slacking off, I just want to say. I do my job, and do work hard. She might be disappointed that I don't volunteer to work off the clock (which I sometimes do, anyway, but she doesn't really know about), but I feel that my off time is my off time.

So, I've been offered a way out, as long as I give them time to replace me (still means several months here). In the meantime, I'm reminded that I'm a disappointment.

Guess who no longer feels a part of this company? I mean, I'd bring it up a notch, if I felt capable, but I feel like I'm working my butt off and nothing is showing for it. So why do I want to work for someone who isn't satisfied with me?

This is who I am. I can't change the ideas I do/don't come up with.

I feel betrayed. I guess nobody here ever saw me as a good worker. I guess I was never considered part of the team. I feel like it's been some sort of joke going on behind my back. I guess it's time to move on...