Secrets of Sylvia

I don't have much time before I'm no longer alone, so this post must be quick.

I haven't updated in a while, mostly because I've been sick. I came down with some terrible cold, but lately I seem to be bouncing back.

I've also been depressed...like, seriously depressed. I go through episodes like this every so often and it's terrible. I try talking to people about it, but I can't really get it out. I honestly think I need professional help with this, but as things stand, I don't know how to go about to get that help. I don't really speak the language well here, which in itself, poses a problem.

So, I'm depressed and feel terribly alone. It's nice, at least, to have this blog in which I can get it out in the open, as I'm not sure what else to do about it. When I return to the States, I'll get help for it to make it manageable, as I do have suicidal thoughts, which, when I snap back to myself again, is scary. I don't want to live my life with this anxiety and horribly dark feelings.

This sort of thing runs on both sides of my family, so it is possible that it's something biological that's going on. I've always had these problems to the extreme since around high school. I get in this fog where I'm not myself. When I'm back to myself, I realize that something I may have done in that state of mind was totally dumb and am embarrassed about it (I'm usually not that type of person, you know?). Sometimes, I have blanks in my memory and I don't even know what I did for the past so many hours (like I'm on autopilot or something). In the past, I always thought that I was stronger than others in my family, though, and I didn't really need to get help for it. I thought I could think myself out of it.

It doesn't work like that, though. When you're in a state of mind where you feel as if you're just watching yourself from afar and everything is just so foggy you can't make out what it is you're doing, then there's really no controlling your thoughts, either.

I realize this isn't healthy, so I know I need to seek help. Unfortunately, I'm eight months away from returning back to the States, and I really don't feel like there's many options where I stand now. Living like this for eight months seems totally overwhelming at this point.

It helps to be able to at least blog about it, though. As I've said before, it helps to be have some sort of release where I can be completely open without the fear of people judging me. So anyone out there reading, thanks.

~Sylvie