Secrets of Sylvia

I wrote this during my lunch time, yesterday. I've had some positive energy come my way and I've been battling the negative. I don't feel recovered, but somehow I feel stronger, and after I had written this out, I had a feeling of empowerment come over me.

• sipping chai tea while watching the rain on the window
• the warmth and aroma from a day of baking
• laughing with a friend
• cooking with my husband
• a warm bath on a cold day
• the view of the mountains
• wandering in nature
• finishing something I know is good
• playing with children
• hearing my footsteps on a bare stage
• completing a story or poem I know is excellent
• the eyes of a child when making a discovery
• feeling a part of a team
• smiling at a stranger
• a witty movie or book
• spending an entire afternoon reading
• rearranging the furniture
• waking up early and knowing it's a brand new day

I am a fully capable and creative woman. I will achieve my dreams and be happy. Those who see me as a failure or disappointment expect too much, which is not my fault. I won't worry about failing others. They no longer have any power over who I am. If you can't accept me for who I am and my limitations as a human being, then that is a problem within yourself--not with me.

So my boss told me if I stay with the company I need to bring it up a notch and that she thought I would have been more innovative and had more ideas.

Before that, I had been left a note about something she had done and that she wished I would have thought of earlier because it would have helped her keep track of things.

Yeah, I got it. I'm a big disappointment, you don't like my work, and apparently I don't think up things I should.

At first this depressed me. Who am I kidding? It still depresses me and makes me feel sick when I think about it, but now, it also makes me angry.

I mean, this is a person that for some reason I keep turning to for advice, and she's always more than happy to give it. So, she knows I've been really down and on the edge. Yet, she finds it worthwhile to comment to me that I'm a disappointment? As if I don't have enough things right now making me feel sick, I have to worry about how I'm letting down the company?

And I haven't been slacking off, I just want to say. I do my job, and do work hard. She might be disappointed that I don't volunteer to work off the clock (which I sometimes do, anyway, but she doesn't really know about), but I feel that my off time is my off time.

So, I've been offered a way out, as long as I give them time to replace me (still means several months here). In the meantime, I'm reminded that I'm a disappointment.

Guess who no longer feels a part of this company? I mean, I'd bring it up a notch, if I felt capable, but I feel like I'm working my butt off and nothing is showing for it. So why do I want to work for someone who isn't satisfied with me?

This is who I am. I can't change the ideas I do/don't come up with.

I feel betrayed. I guess nobody here ever saw me as a good worker. I guess I was never considered part of the team. I feel like it's been some sort of joke going on behind my back. I guess it's time to move on...

I don't have much time before I'm no longer alone, so this post must be quick.

I haven't updated in a while, mostly because I've been sick. I came down with some terrible cold, but lately I seem to be bouncing back.

I've also been depressed...like, seriously depressed. I go through episodes like this every so often and it's terrible. I try talking to people about it, but I can't really get it out. I honestly think I need professional help with this, but as things stand, I don't know how to go about to get that help. I don't really speak the language well here, which in itself, poses a problem.

So, I'm depressed and feel terribly alone. It's nice, at least, to have this blog in which I can get it out in the open, as I'm not sure what else to do about it. When I return to the States, I'll get help for it to make it manageable, as I do have suicidal thoughts, which, when I snap back to myself again, is scary. I don't want to live my life with this anxiety and horribly dark feelings.

This sort of thing runs on both sides of my family, so it is possible that it's something biological that's going on. I've always had these problems to the extreme since around high school. I get in this fog where I'm not myself. When I'm back to myself, I realize that something I may have done in that state of mind was totally dumb and am embarrassed about it (I'm usually not that type of person, you know?). Sometimes, I have blanks in my memory and I don't even know what I did for the past so many hours (like I'm on autopilot or something). In the past, I always thought that I was stronger than others in my family, though, and I didn't really need to get help for it. I thought I could think myself out of it.

It doesn't work like that, though. When you're in a state of mind where you feel as if you're just watching yourself from afar and everything is just so foggy you can't make out what it is you're doing, then there's really no controlling your thoughts, either.

I realize this isn't healthy, so I know I need to seek help. Unfortunately, I'm eight months away from returning back to the States, and I really don't feel like there's many options where I stand now. Living like this for eight months seems totally overwhelming at this point.

It helps to be able to at least blog about it, though. As I've said before, it helps to be have some sort of release where I can be completely open without the fear of people judging me. So anyone out there reading, thanks.

~Sylvie

I have been suffering from nausea and headaches. Also, my chest pains aren't going away. I'm pretty sure it's stress. I guess I just don't handle stress very well, and, well, living in a foreign country can be very stressful.

Sometimes I think of resigning from my job. I'm realizing that I should have never signed a two year contract. It seems to be too much for my mind and body. I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through until the end. I still have about nine more months to go.

It's not all complaints. I just tend to write when I feel I need to rant to someone who isn't going to judge me because the people I'm around all day are all about judgment and like to boast about how their not judgmental like other people. Yeah, it's a contradiction I live.

You all won't judge me, right?

Thank goodness it's Friday night. I love Friday nights. I get to just relax and not worry about work all night. I escape.

Seriously, I shut all the lights off in the apartment, take my computer into the bedroom and write. Many times, I even have a bottle of wine keep me company while I write.

And it just so happens that it's Writing month, so I've been trying to do more writing than just on Friday. I may even finish the story I'm working on by the end of the month.

That will feel good, especially if it turns out half way decent.

Wish me luck as I try to fight off this breakdown that is approaching and try making it through to the end of the contract...

I think my boss' concept of time is a bit skewed. Even on projects that she's never done before, and is, in fact, putting us in charge of because she has no idea how to do it, she'll put impossible deadlines on. I mean, really, how can you put a deadline/time limit on something you've never done yourself, and, therefore, have no idea how much time it really takes to get it done? Once, my husband even told her, about a project they put him in charge of, that because he doesn't have enough time outside of the other jobs he must do, he would have to work on a particular project at home in his own time in order to meet her deadline. The only response he got before she walked away was, "Thanks."

Now, I try to keep myself busy. If I don't, time passes by so incredibly slow. I can't stand it. Plus, it's just depressing when you have all that time to think about how much longer you are at a job that is constantly wearing your body down.

So I keep myself busy. I prefer to keep moving. And I'm good at keeping busy. I've been told by past employers how efficient I was, and when I finish a job, I find another one to do.

Still, my boss seems to think I don't do anything. She told me the other day as I was coming in and she was rushing out the door, "Let's be productive today," as if I hadn't been productive the last few days. I've even been leaving her messages about what I've been working on just to make sure they're to her satisfaction.

Then she wondered if I got her e-mail that morning. Usually, I don't have time to check my e-mail before work, but I did check it that morning and didn't have an e-mail from her. Later, I went home and checked it again. It was there--it had been sent five minutes before I was supposed to start work. You know, because as I'm rushing out the door, I like to stop and check my e-mail just in case she left something for me--even though I'm on my way to see her. ???

This morning, I got a phone call stating that I should bring some Conversation School work to do at the elementary school I would be working at because I would have a little extra time there. I do that anyway. Why all of a sudden does she feel the need too call me about that?

Again, she wondered if I got the e-mail she had sent me. I happened to not have a chance that morning to check it.

Honestly, with as much as we're pushed during working hours, it's getting really annoying that we're being pushed off working hours, as well. Not to mention this e-mail thing. Why do I have to check in about work while I'm off hours? If we were allowed to check our e-mails when we got to work to see if she left a message, that would be one thing--but we're not allowed to.

Time is pressing on me, and constantly weighing me down. Our vacation at the end of December can't come soon enough.

For the past year now, I've been able, from time to time, control my dreams. It took some practice as I would try something too drastic in my dreams and would wake up briefly after. I have to be careful to not be too conscience during my dreaming.

This week, I had a lucid dream. I showed up to a Junior High School where I teach with no pants. I was mortified! I briefly wondered if maybe I could pull my pants out of my bag and slip them on under my desk without anybody noticing.

I didn't think it would work. I was so embarrassed. I began scolding myself in my mind for walking around the apartment in my underwear, because now I was forgetting to put pants on before work.

But then my sense kicked in. Would I really forget to put pants on before work? I thought, "This must be a dream." I wasn't totally sure, but apparently the stress was really getting to me in my dream. I decided to jump out the window. If I could fly, it was a dream. If not, well, then, I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore, would I?

So I went to the window, still pantsless, and I lightly flew up into the air. I kept myself calm, knowing too much excitement would wake me.

I flew around, then decided to leave the country for a while (I'm totally stressed out here, I need a break). So I flew towards home.

On the way, I played with some kids in a playground in another part of the world. Guess I can't leave that teacher part of me behind...

I've been really down lately. I think I may be having anxiety attacks. My chest starts hurting pretty bad, my head starts pounding, I get extremely nauseous and everything feels so overwhelming. I also get incredibly scared of anything making loud noises--the washing machine, the upstairs neighbors, loud music, etc. It scares the crap out of me.

I get so freaked out and it feels like my entire world is collapsing. It's usually at night, and I can't get anything done when I'm like that. I feel so nauseous that I just usually curl up into a ball and try wishing it all away. Of course, it doesn't go away.

My husband has been very good about it. He gets me into bed in a quiet room, then goes about taking care of the chores. He's really nice about that. He's definitely one of the best husbands anyone could ask for.

He's been having a rough time lately, as well. Some things have been happening--he had a death on his side of the family, which has made things so difficult for him. Then, one of his friends died, which has made it even more hectic on his nerves. It's been really hitting him hard.

He doesn't always open up about it, though. It wasn't until last night that he really began talking to me honestly about how all this has him feeling. I tried to comfort him the best I could, but I don't feel like I did a good job. I wish I was better at those things.

In the meantime, I think I may go to the doctor tomorrow. My husband offered to take me, as he speaks the language better than I do. We just want to make sure my chest pains aren't due to physical problems rather than stress. Once I get that confirmed, it'll just be one less thing to worry about.

And I need less things to worry about right now...

These are some lyrics I've been working on. I composed this haunting melody that I like a lot, but have had a lot of trouble putting it to words. I have a hard time writing lyrics to songs where I already have music composed for it. It always feels shallow or like I'm trying too hard. After several attempts, I was finally able to get something to flow out. The story is inspired by a famous author. Can you guess who?



Derive from me all of your fears.
And store with me all of your tears.
She stands and breathes in her
the ocean breeze--drift with her--
Bring her to a place far beyond.

Fill her pockets with tears made of stone,
and dry the pain of being alone.
She stands and breathes in her
the salty seas, filling her,
She floats on to a home far beyond.

Confusion often dries ambition,
and fear often washes it all away.
The shores don't sing,
These shores won't scream,
Only broken cries, broken dreams,
Remain of these sands...

I reach out to a place far beyond.

I'm reaching for a home far beyond.

During my lunch breaks, I've been writing poetry. Bad poetry, but poetry. I use it as an escape. I have to maintain a certain persona at work and sometimes I'm just frustrated by everyone saving face, so I let out those frustrations in bad poetry. It feels good...especially knowing that nobody there would really understand what I was writing, anyway. It's a nice release.

I have a hard time sharing the things I write that I think are good on the internet. I think it's because people can be so cruel on the internet. If I post something bad and somebody says it's bad, there's not much hurt. If I post something I think is good and somebody says it's bad, then I may be a little hurt. I know I shouldn't take such things personally, but I do.

So, today I shall share with you some bad poetry. This one really doesn't have a title. I wrote it in a hurry during lunch while trying to release some frustrations about certain people.


Inhale your lies and open your eyes
To clear blue skies, contentment of sighs
Rip your dreams and with me
Tear it at the seams, so it seems,
Did I invade all of your dreams?

Quick, shake off all the blame
And present the weight of guilt to me
I didn't come invading your dreams...

We all think we're important now,
We all think we've made it somehow,
And you think I should bow
To your failings.

I worked so hard not to be like you.
You've gone so far to cut people like me.
And now you think you own me somehow.
I'm not yours.

Inhale your lies, don't open your eyes
too busy for skies; all impatient sighs
Judge me, all of my movement,
(so it seems, so it seems)
Display to me your discontentment
(sew the seams, sew the seams)
Remember, I didn't come invading your dreams.

My employer has been pointing fingers quit a bit lately. I don't know what's up, but she's been in a sort of foul mood...which makes me want to avoid her.

Now, my lack of communication has resulted in her sending an e-mail that made me cry. I guess I just can't live up to what's expected of me.

I sent an e-mail back where I dared to be a bit honest. Perhaps it was the happy pills I got when I meant to get a pap smear...or perhaps it's the wine I just drank.

But I don't care. And I sort of let it out. Politely, of course.

More on this later...

Long time, no post.

Not that I don't have anything to complain about to the vast void of internet out there, but I just haven't had my alone time lately to do it. It's just me and Jack, now.

And some saltine crackers.

And a glass of wine.

I tend to not eat so healthy on Friday nights. I get home, and I'm so relieved that the work week is over...I become this blob. I've been setting a goal to do something creative on Friday nights (when my husband works later than I do), but many times, I don't get around to it.

I have written a few songs, however. That's progress.

Really, though, I want to write a book. Or finish that fanfic I started way back in high school and still get e-mails about. I know, I'm such a nerd...I actually used to write fanfiction. How pathetic, right?

But don't worry--I quickly lost interest in fanfiction and became interested in doing some original writing.

I was obsessed.

Since then I've written a few plays, which have been performed. I've also taken writing classes and theater classes.

Oh, I'd love to be a writer/actress.

or a musician...but let's face it, there's no hope for me there. I just do it for therapeutic reasons. I can't really do music...but I am very passionate about it. Seriously, one could control me by placing a tiny IPOD in my brain. Choose the correct song and I will follow your command! Ah! But you must know me well enough to know what moves me.

Oh! I made such a nice discovery last week! I was so paranoid when I started this new job--I thought I was going nuts. My boss kept lecturing me about leaving the lights on. I would seriously get some nasty notes from her.

Now, I'm the annoying girl who usually gets scolded for turning the lights out when someone is still occupying the room--that's how habitual turning off lights is for me.

So, I thought I was going crazy. Why was I suddenly leaving lights on?!

But, then, last Thursday, my mind was put to ease. After doing my usual hours, I left for a dinner break before I came back to do make-up hours (which I don't usually do). I knew for sure I had turned the light off that time.

Anyhow, I came back for my make-up hours and guess what--that damn light was on! And the door wide open--I thought someone was in there, but the room was empty. Surely, someone started doing something, but was coming back shortly...right?

Nobody came back the entire time I was there...and my boss wasn't due to be there for a while afterwards. Somebody else was leaving those damn lights on. My boss would come in after I'd left, figure I was the last one who was supposed to be in that room, so assumed it was me.

But now I know that somebody else has been going in there after I leave. This has been such a relief to me...knowing that it wasn't my fault...that her scolds were unwarranted, especially if she didn't check to see if anyone else had decided to use that room after I had left.

Oh, those notes with the unhappy faces scribbled on them!

I haven't mentioned this to anyone else but my husband, who knows how much this has been bothering me. I haven't said anything to my boss.

For some reason, I don't feel the need to. It feels good enough just knowing that I didn't deserve that. I don't care if my boss knows. It's not like I'd receive an apology, anyway. I'd only get some sort of justification as to why I deserved the scolding.

That's my rant for the night.

So I go to dinner with these two other girls. We were planning to do work, but really didn't get around to much--which is okay. It's nice to just be out with girls only sometimes. And I've really been wanting some hang out time.

However, I can't help but notice how completely lame and unsociable I am with these two people. I just don't know what it is. I'm so hyper active around certain people. With others, though, it's hard for me to be like that. If I am, it's forced.

It's frustrating, because afterwards, I always sit and dwell on all the stupid things I said or the awkward silences I created because of my lack of social skills. At one point, I was asked to bring up any topic that I'd want to talk about and my mind blanked. I look like such a dork just trying to think of something to say.

I think these two people must think I'm lame, slow, a space case, and just unsociable and it frustrates me because I know there's this really likable person inside me who is full of energy and good at making people laugh...and when I'm around the right people, it just naturally bursts forth.

And it's not just because I'm tired--I'm always like this with this group of people.

Grrr...now I'm going to agonize about this. Why must I worry about everything?

First off, a moment of silence for "Reading Rainbow."

Alright. So, now that that's out of the way, I'd like to bring up that I've been experimenting with a new computer. A cheap computer, but a new one. And really small--I can carry it with me to work.

I've been having some problems with it. I really hate windows. Seriously, it annoys the inertia out of me. So, I use Ubuntu, which runs off a linux platform. So much better, except....

There's ALWAYS a butt load of tweaking to go on. I usually enjoy this, but man, I just don't have time with this job. I don't have "tweak ubuntu" or "learn linux" time. I wish I did. I really, really do, because I love it...but, at this point in time, it's frustrating me.

I've formatted this computer a second time already. Everytime I think it's working, I click on the updates icon and the one of the updates screws up the computer again.

Seriously. The updates are supposed to be fixing bugs, right? This means, more tweaking. Grrr...

So now I growl at Jack. I named my computer Jack. He seems like a Jack. Maybe like a jack-o-lantern because of fall. Or a jacka$$...

Not sure which, yet.

So, I haven't been posting much due to tweakage taking place...and banging my head against the desk.

There's a group of people I sometimes have to work with that like to gossip a lot. It makes me sick. They complain about parents and how some are stay-home moms and talk as if they're above them for it. It's kind of annoying.

I sometimes have to do projects for these people. Usually, the deadline is pretty much impossible, meaning I have to do a lot of work on my own, personal time. Then, the project gets sent to these people, who, I guess, must have it perfect even though they're having me do a professional's job, at which, I'm not a professional at (but they heard I do it as a hobby, so they want to take full advantage of it), not to mention it's not what I was hired to do, and they don't want to give me work time to do it----let's end the rant here. Anyhow, it always comes back with a list of complaints and demands with how either the parents won't like it, or they were wanting something else (though, when I pushed for info at the beginning of the project, they just said, "do whatever. It doesn't need to be perfect."), and once I even got a, "I never liked blablabla..." with no indication as to why. I'm supposed to read their minds or something.

And nobody offers any sort of appreciation. Not even a, "Thanks for doing this on your own time. We really appreciate it--especially since it's our project. We'll tweek it from here."

It's like, I've turn into their lackey and they feel they can just give me a project, with absolutely no background on why I'm doing this, how they want it done, and no work time to do it in. Then they sit around and complain about it and get back to me with a list of demands.

What kind of BS is that? Who sits around complaining about everyone else's rudeness, how stay-home moms have all the time in the world, and how their culture is just superior, but, yet, don't even have the time of day to offer a, "Thanks."

I think it's sick.

So, I'm a bit upset about this situation. It's been brewing in me for quite a while. When we applied to work overseas, the employer needed our diplomas to prove we had our B.A. The people who issue the visas needed to inspect the seal on our degrees. I know with companies like JET, you don't need to actually submit your degree, but just the transcripts (providing they have the seal). This was important to me, because I had just graduated, meaning I wouldn't have my degree for several weeks. I explained this to the employer, telling them that the transcripts were actually more official than the degree.

The employer made a big deal about this saying they really needed the degree. To deviate from what was expected was frowned upon in this country. My husband sent his and I spent countless time on the phone trying to get the school to release my degree early. Finally, I was able to get a release of my transcripts with the seal released early along with a letter from the school stating that I did earn a degree there. Our soon-to-be employer was not happy about this, but decided to take it and try to get our visas with it anyway; when I received my degree, I was to give them it ASAP. In the end, I only gave them a copy--of which they expected me to copy before arriving at the company so as not to waste their copy paper and ink.

Everything worked out well--the visa people, of coarse, accepted the transcripts and I was issued a working visa.

So we arrive, and the employer informs us that she lost my husband's degree. She knows it's around the house and look for it, so don't worry.

Lost his degree. His. degree. How in the world do you lose somebody's degree? All those years of work--how do you lose a frickin' degree?

Later, we were told she didn't have time to look for it, so to look into getting a new degree--they would, of coarse, pay any fees.

Shouldn't they be the ones to research into that? It was them that lost it, right?

So we looked into it. It was a $45 fee. The employer said to hold off sending for it because they had a year to look for it before having to pay the fee. And we needed to send a check (we didn't have any more checks on us and for some reason, they won't go to the bank to get an international check--somehow, this is all our responsibility. I guess as long as they pay the money, they're guilt-free.).

So, after a year, we visited back to our hometown. I ordered more checks (which costs money...money that won't be re-reimbursed to us, even though we have no other reason to use these checks). But then we noticed something important on the website--we can't get an actual replacement of the degree. The degree will say, "duplicate," on it. After all that work for a piece of paper, it will say "duplicate."

We brought this up to the employers who said, if we went to the university (you know, because we go there all the flippin' time even though it's across the world and an hour or so away from our hometown) and explained the situation they should give us an actual degree--afterall, she said, they have the paper and seal. But I happen to know from some googling, that it is NOT that easy. They WILL NOT give us an actual degree.

I told her, I was concerned because this job required we show a degree, and if we applied to other countries, they may require the same.

Her response was to have them call them and they will explain the situation. They have a good record with the Board here. Okay--but we want to go to another country! I don't think a phone call from their little school verfies years of hard work to another company. And why would they go through all that work when they can just hire somebody who has their degree on hand?

I was upset, also, that the blame was being put on the school during this conversation--they have the paper and seal, why can't they just print off another one?

For crying out loud, would it hurt you to offer a sincere apology for losing a flipppin' degree? Why can't they see how big of a deal this is--especially since family told us that we shouldn't trust them with the degrees in the first place. If they want the actual degree (not a copy or transcript), we shouldn't trust them and go with another company.

I guess they were right. I mean, they don't even seem to see the symbolic significance behind this--YOU LOST HIS DEGREE!

Not to mention, when we first came here, my husband supposedly lost something important of theirs (he didn't) and in the end, when it was in the place he said it was, it was still made to look like it was his fault in front of all the other employees and she left a nasty note to him saying how hard she had to search and how frustrated she was until she found it (in the place he said it was).

Yeah, I was a bit p**sed about this and it gave me a very negative impression of the company (along with other happenings when we first arrived--but those are for another post).

So, I am currently frustrated at this whole ordeal. They will continue to look for it, though it sounds as if they've looked "everywhere" and the degree won't turn up. My husband will write the school to see if there is at all any possible way to get his degree.

Meanwhile, I hold off a nice, easy-going front, but inside, I am boiling.

Anyone who reads this and can make me feel justified in my moment of anger, I will be eternally grateful. Thank you.

I am unable to sleep, so I decided to begin this blog. I've been wanting to start it for a while, but have been too tired or lacked the time to do so. Since I am unable to sleep, I thought I'd start this up.

I am an overly anxious girl who tries to seem laid back about most things. I stress out about small things. I think I may have an ulcer. I may be bipolar or something and I've also been told that I may have DID. Whatever it is, I hope I can finally release it and discover what it is I really am.

Mostly, though, I just need to vent. Mostly, I just need to vent about work. I have a lot of complaining that goes, uh, uncomplained. Please bear with me.