Secrets of Sylvia

So my boss told me if I stay with the company I need to bring it up a notch and that she thought I would have been more innovative and had more ideas.

Before that, I had been left a note about something she had done and that she wished I would have thought of earlier because it would have helped her keep track of things.

Yeah, I got it. I'm a big disappointment, you don't like my work, and apparently I don't think up things I should.

At first this depressed me. Who am I kidding? It still depresses me and makes me feel sick when I think about it, but now, it also makes me angry.

I mean, this is a person that for some reason I keep turning to for advice, and she's always more than happy to give it. So, she knows I've been really down and on the edge. Yet, she finds it worthwhile to comment to me that I'm a disappointment? As if I don't have enough things right now making me feel sick, I have to worry about how I'm letting down the company?

And I haven't been slacking off, I just want to say. I do my job, and do work hard. She might be disappointed that I don't volunteer to work off the clock (which I sometimes do, anyway, but she doesn't really know about), but I feel that my off time is my off time.

So, I've been offered a way out, as long as I give them time to replace me (still means several months here). In the meantime, I'm reminded that I'm a disappointment.

Guess who no longer feels a part of this company? I mean, I'd bring it up a notch, if I felt capable, but I feel like I'm working my butt off and nothing is showing for it. So why do I want to work for someone who isn't satisfied with me?

This is who I am. I can't change the ideas I do/don't come up with.

I feel betrayed. I guess nobody here ever saw me as a good worker. I guess I was never considered part of the team. I feel like it's been some sort of joke going on behind my back. I guess it's time to move on...

I don't have much time before I'm no longer alone, so this post must be quick.

I haven't updated in a while, mostly because I've been sick. I came down with some terrible cold, but lately I seem to be bouncing back.

I've also been depressed...like, seriously depressed. I go through episodes like this every so often and it's terrible. I try talking to people about it, but I can't really get it out. I honestly think I need professional help with this, but as things stand, I don't know how to go about to get that help. I don't really speak the language well here, which in itself, poses a problem.

So, I'm depressed and feel terribly alone. It's nice, at least, to have this blog in which I can get it out in the open, as I'm not sure what else to do about it. When I return to the States, I'll get help for it to make it manageable, as I do have suicidal thoughts, which, when I snap back to myself again, is scary. I don't want to live my life with this anxiety and horribly dark feelings.

This sort of thing runs on both sides of my family, so it is possible that it's something biological that's going on. I've always had these problems to the extreme since around high school. I get in this fog where I'm not myself. When I'm back to myself, I realize that something I may have done in that state of mind was totally dumb and am embarrassed about it (I'm usually not that type of person, you know?). Sometimes, I have blanks in my memory and I don't even know what I did for the past so many hours (like I'm on autopilot or something). In the past, I always thought that I was stronger than others in my family, though, and I didn't really need to get help for it. I thought I could think myself out of it.

It doesn't work like that, though. When you're in a state of mind where you feel as if you're just watching yourself from afar and everything is just so foggy you can't make out what it is you're doing, then there's really no controlling your thoughts, either.

I realize this isn't healthy, so I know I need to seek help. Unfortunately, I'm eight months away from returning back to the States, and I really don't feel like there's many options where I stand now. Living like this for eight months seems totally overwhelming at this point.

It helps to be able to at least blog about it, though. As I've said before, it helps to be have some sort of release where I can be completely open without the fear of people judging me. So anyone out there reading, thanks.

~Sylvie

I have been suffering from nausea and headaches. Also, my chest pains aren't going away. I'm pretty sure it's stress. I guess I just don't handle stress very well, and, well, living in a foreign country can be very stressful.

Sometimes I think of resigning from my job. I'm realizing that I should have never signed a two year contract. It seems to be too much for my mind and body. I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through until the end. I still have about nine more months to go.

It's not all complaints. I just tend to write when I feel I need to rant to someone who isn't going to judge me because the people I'm around all day are all about judgment and like to boast about how their not judgmental like other people. Yeah, it's a contradiction I live.

You all won't judge me, right?

Thank goodness it's Friday night. I love Friday nights. I get to just relax and not worry about work all night. I escape.

Seriously, I shut all the lights off in the apartment, take my computer into the bedroom and write. Many times, I even have a bottle of wine keep me company while I write.

And it just so happens that it's Writing month, so I've been trying to do more writing than just on Friday. I may even finish the story I'm working on by the end of the month.

That will feel good, especially if it turns out half way decent.

Wish me luck as I try to fight off this breakdown that is approaching and try making it through to the end of the contract...

I think my boss' concept of time is a bit skewed. Even on projects that she's never done before, and is, in fact, putting us in charge of because she has no idea how to do it, she'll put impossible deadlines on. I mean, really, how can you put a deadline/time limit on something you've never done yourself, and, therefore, have no idea how much time it really takes to get it done? Once, my husband even told her, about a project they put him in charge of, that because he doesn't have enough time outside of the other jobs he must do, he would have to work on a particular project at home in his own time in order to meet her deadline. The only response he got before she walked away was, "Thanks."

Now, I try to keep myself busy. If I don't, time passes by so incredibly slow. I can't stand it. Plus, it's just depressing when you have all that time to think about how much longer you are at a job that is constantly wearing your body down.

So I keep myself busy. I prefer to keep moving. And I'm good at keeping busy. I've been told by past employers how efficient I was, and when I finish a job, I find another one to do.

Still, my boss seems to think I don't do anything. She told me the other day as I was coming in and she was rushing out the door, "Let's be productive today," as if I hadn't been productive the last few days. I've even been leaving her messages about what I've been working on just to make sure they're to her satisfaction.

Then she wondered if I got her e-mail that morning. Usually, I don't have time to check my e-mail before work, but I did check it that morning and didn't have an e-mail from her. Later, I went home and checked it again. It was there--it had been sent five minutes before I was supposed to start work. You know, because as I'm rushing out the door, I like to stop and check my e-mail just in case she left something for me--even though I'm on my way to see her. ???

This morning, I got a phone call stating that I should bring some Conversation School work to do at the elementary school I would be working at because I would have a little extra time there. I do that anyway. Why all of a sudden does she feel the need too call me about that?

Again, she wondered if I got the e-mail she had sent me. I happened to not have a chance that morning to check it.

Honestly, with as much as we're pushed during working hours, it's getting really annoying that we're being pushed off working hours, as well. Not to mention this e-mail thing. Why do I have to check in about work while I'm off hours? If we were allowed to check our e-mails when we got to work to see if she left a message, that would be one thing--but we're not allowed to.

Time is pressing on me, and constantly weighing me down. Our vacation at the end of December can't come soon enough.