Secrets of Sylvia

My husband is a gamer. Those of you with husbands or boyfriends that do gaming probably know that at times, it can be frustrating. At first, it wasn't so bad. I mean, he played his Sony now and then, but not obsessively. I enjoy a game now and then, and having a hobby isn't a bad thing.

But then we got married. Not long afterwards, my husband decided to obsess over gaming. Which means, I was a newly wed who went to bed alone most nights. I'm not one to argue, so I pushed it off as a temporary thing.

I never told anyone this, but I began to wonder if this marriage was a mistake. I love him, still, but I couldn't help but wonder if it's worth the stress of running the house on my own and feeling completely alone each night, even though I was living with another person.

Eventually, we moved to another country. We both wanted to give it a try for a while and thought it an amazing opportunity.

We made dinner together, and explored this small city together. It was a nice. I felt close to him.

But now, it's started again. My husband has become obsessive with his computer. I've hinted that perhaps he was spending too much time on the computer and needed another hobby to sort of balance things out.

His new hobby? Writing.

At first, I thought this was cool--but then I realized, he was writing for a character for an online game. And now, that too, has become an obsession. All his breaks and nights are spent working on it.

I'm left to make sure the house gets clean, the groceries get bought, the budget gets done, etc. I have to assign him chores like a child in order for me to get a little time on my breaks where I'm not working on household chores.

My birthday last year: it was my long day (I work 8:30am-9:30 pm). My husband surprised me with a stuffed toy that morning to brighten my day. That was really nice. Throughout the busy day, I kept thinking how nice it would be to spend the little time I had that night with him. Not a chance. I ate some brownie and had some wine to celebrate on my own, while he played on the computer. I patiently waited for him to finish what he was doing before I eventually gave up and went to bed alone.

The other night we had a sort of "date" night. We went out for dinner, and I even got all dressed up. We went home and watched a movie. Then, he played on the computer and I went to bed alone. Apparently our dinner and movie was enough to make up for months of being ignored by him.

Now, I'm bitter all the time. Seriously, I thought we were a special couple--I thought we had a special connection. Now, I feel tricked.

I try not to think about it, because, don't get me wrong, I dearly love my husband, but I wonder if I would have been better off alone. At least, then, I wouldn't be so bitter about the fact.

It's a New Year, and I completely forgot about New Year's Resolutions. Not that I make them every year like some sort of ritual, but it usually crosses my mind, at least. Plus, it's an interesting topic to bring up in conversation classes.

But this year, I completely forgot about it. It didn't even cross my mind. Maybe it was that vacation I took? I went someplace warmer. There was lots of rain, but at least it was warmer. I didn't have to wear three layers of clothing to go out. Just jeans, a light shirt, and a light jacket. Could have used some better shoes--ones that don't leave my socks soaking wet at the end of the day. I broke down and bought a pair of flip flops, which just kept sticking to the wet ground, causing me to lose them with each step. Sort of embarrassing in the cross walks.

I did a lot of walking over break (had to--public transportation was lacking). The exercise was very nice. It made me feel good at the end of the day. It reminded me of college days when I'd walk everywhere because driving a car meant finding a parking space, which was pretty close to impossible.

So with the New Year, where am I mentally? Saying I was down for a while is a drastic understatement. Now I'm sort of in between. I have good days and I have bad days. It's hard not having anyone here I can really relate to. And it's really hard that one of the people I know is someone I really dislike and have grown to distrust. After how awful I was made to feel, I find myself regretting every minute with that person.

But the other night, something strange happened. We had a conversation where I almost felt like I was her friend. I almost felt mentally safe around her again. I keep telling myself to keep my distance, though. Whenever I get too close, I eventually feel betrayed.

On the up side, I suddenly have a ton of family members jumping onto Facebook. With the drastically different time zones, this makes it easier to keep in touch and get those little funny comments I miss hearing from my family. So, I feel at least somewhat more connected with home now. I've been trying to sign into Facebook at least once a day now (even if it's just for a few minutes). I won't let myself become addicted, though. With some people, it's way out of hand.

While on vacation, I was able to visit a big bookstore with a ton of books...in English! I stocked up on some, so I am relieved to have some good reading to last a while. Now, if I can only get myself back writing on a regular basis again. I was doing so good until that breakdown I had...